Reaching for Zenith

“There are so many things I have wished for in my whole life, but I knew in that one exact moment that he is going to be my one wish which will ache my heart for forever and ever”, I thought while slipping into my old rugged bed in my wooden cottage. The melancholy sound of Moonlight sonata croons through the walls and the snowflakes are getting stuck to the window. I think of him one more time before shutting my eyes off, turns out I can see his face as it was so many years ago. I remember I read somewhere that the people we think of before sleeping are the ones we have loved and I would completely agree because I know, my heart and my soul, everything became his the moment I laid my eyes upon him. I put my glasses away and let the gramophone soothe my soul into dripping moonlight while I am floating away in the past.

                    13 Years Ago

I am Meera. A lost soul in this tough world. I study literature and books make me happy. When I say that books make me happy means that the world is not my oyster and I have never been a people person, they scare me. I try to figure things out but they are never something that is understandable for me. I am a hopeless romantic, or at least the people who know me feel so. I have never been able to actually express myself but I feel there’s this darkness hidden deep inside me which surfaces sometimes, but mostly I am this quiet person who is letting life flow because the moment I try to control it, I always lose the grip and everything just slips out of my hand. My school is not one of the elite ones but at least it has a good library where I can just go and let my thoughts flow. “Maybe someday I will write my own book, or maybe I will be a librarian”, I think to myself once in a while. Romanticism is my favourite genre and Fitzgerald, Jane Eyre and Emily Bronte are my best friends. Every love story that I read makes me believe that nothing like that could be found in this world anymore and then I hate myself for thinking that way. It is kind of like a prayer. I hope it exists but I know somewhere in my heart how impossible it is for something so deep to exist. Anyway, I had this schedule, organised one where everything was working according to the plan. I had my classes in the morning and then my evenings would go organising the stack of books in the library where I was working thanks to one of my mother’s friend. My mom is the sweetest person one could ever meet. She understands my love for books or at least she tries to understand. Well, there are only a few people in this whole world whom I can call mine, my mom, my best friend Olivia who has been with me since kindergarten and my dad, although he is no more but still I feel that he is always with me.

Today is the first day of my senior year and I am nervous as always. “Olivia is here!”, my mother shouts from downstairs and I feel this urge to say I don’t want to go. I run through the stairs knowing Olivia is going to get mad if I make her wait any longer. I try to slip through my mom so that she can’t see the nervousness on my face but I get caught and she looks right at me. I am confused as to what to say but she nods, slides one string of hair behind my ear and says,”today is the beginning of everything”. I frown and wait for her to say more but there’s nothing else. I say my goodbyes and leave for the school. I glanced back at her and she was smiling. Her positivity kills me sometimes. I wish to be more like her but turns out I have got everything from dad. His noisy habits, his overthinking, his choices, I can see his reflection in me each time I am asked to make a decision. He used to run away from those too. “Hey Sleepyhead”, Olivia shouts at the top of her lungs as if she’s bringing me back to earth from my make-believe planet where I often go to think. “Hey Oliv, I don’t want to go”, I exclaim my nervousness to her. Surprisingly, she ignores that and move on with her story of spring break. As always the same story, she met a guy, they hooked up, and then she got bored of him and now he is getting on her nerves. It has become so common and yet my tiny brain can’t handle the thought of how love is this easy for all of them, why isn’t it like the one I have read over the time, where you just give up on yourself for the other person, where nothing seems more alive than being in their embrace and it is such an intense feel that nothing seems right but the person standing in front of you. Maybe I am old school, but I know somewhere deep inside my heart, a love like that exists, it has to exist.. for my fragile heart.

I walk down the hallways of my school hoping no one to notice me and I kept thinking how everything is changing with time and this feeling made me nauseous and I walk towards the washroom. I stand there in front of mirror and sprinkle some water on my face, hoping it would make me feel better but no, the uneasiness is not in my body but my soul which always asks me to run away. “What is it that I am so afraid of”, I question myself even though I know the answer, I do not like the change. In a year I will be done with my school and I would have to leave my mom if I want to go to my dream college in Europe and study literature and become a writer someday but it is all in future and I tell my heart to stay in the present and wait for life to flow and I start walking towards my classroom.

I didn’t knew what was going to happen, I didn’t knew that in that one moment my life was going to change and yet that moment became the anchor to everything that was about to begin. I saw him sitting in my class, his brown eyes, those damn brown eyes were looking right at me and I swear I was waiting for the earth to swallow me up or the sky to crash so that no one can see how my eyes are stuck on him but nothing happened and Olivia called out my name from afar but all I could see was light glinting through his hazel brown eyes and his glasses were making them shine more. I push myself out of this momentum and act as if I am searching for Oliv. I found her and I start walking towards our seat but I can sense his eyes following me. Thankfully no one noticed this and the class went on. I still remember every single thing about him, his white shirt, blue denims and his eyes. I gathered some strength in me and I finally asked Oliv, “who is this new guy?”. “He is Aryan, transfer student from Sky high”, she blurts out as if no one is hearing us. “Aryan…”, I whisper to myself as if making a silent prayer so that nobody hears what I am wishing for.