Beautiful Blossoms and Harsh Realities
I have been preoccupied, with life's currents pulling me out to sea and churning me up a bit, washing me up onto the shore only to do it again.
Eventually the tide will go out and I'll be able to pull myself out of its grasp for awhile, basking in the sunlight and sweet caress of the wind, until the rain washes me back to the waters edge and the cycle repeats yet again.
But for now I'm in the current, churning, spinning, gasping, grasping. The undertow is heavy but I reach for the sunlight and I know,
I know
I will make it to shore, to safety, to calm, to brightness, to peace.
I'm going to start writing about what I've been going through. I wasn't sure about sharing the nitty gritty of my first world problems, I get ashamed of my unhappiness and wonder why I can't just appreciate the good and forget the bad.
But I figure sharing here will be a way for me to process and move forward.
And maybe, those who are experiencing similar walks of life will find comfort that they are not alone.
When I was a teen, the website LiveJournal was a huge part of my life, I would read and read for hours all the stories shared by people suffering in the same way I was, and I think it helped me feel less crazy, less desperate, knowing that my issues were common. Following the journey of others as they made changes and shared ideas as well as grief was a solace to me.
I know Steemit is not LiveJournal. I know a lot of people here won't have a care whatsoever about what I'm saying.
But maybe there will be a few that care, that read and relate, that have been there and can help me. Maybe there will be a few that I even help, by showing them they aren't alone and that they can make changes to better their lives too, as I believe I'm doing. As I'm really trying to do.
Now, I may flake on this, or I may be unable to stop once I get going, who knows.
People keep calling me brave, but I feel like a failure, like I'm defeated and undone. Like I gave up, like I'm selfish and uncaring.
I am leaving my husband of ten years. Rather, he's being asked to leave me, to leave his home, his kids, his "whole life".
This breaking of another's heart is as hard as having mine broken. I've never done it before, have only been on the receiving end of the words "it's over".
But it's time to focus on my happiness and the happiness of my children. It's time to not be put down and to not have my feelings and desires dismissed, to not be afraid of his anger and my safety in my home, the place I'm supposed to feel most safe.
Most people I talk to about my experiences say I've been in an abusive relationship. That's pretty embarrassing to admit.
I loved this person SO MUCH that I didn't see it for years, and even now seeing that yeah, it has been abusive, I'm still on the edge of Oh my god, how can I being doing this to my family? How can I be splitting up this home, this life we've worked so hard to shape?
It's not what it seems though. It's the idea, the dream I'm holding on to. It's what I wanted, what we wanted, but it wasn't our reality. I need to let that dream go.
I'm not saying he is evil, that he didn't try, isn't trying. I didn't want him to be perfect, I'm not stupid, but this wasn't enough.
I spent ten years trying to fix us. I think I gave it a fair shot.
And now,
I'm going to welcome happiness.
I'm going to welcome the outlet that Steemit has given me,
The sense of empowerment, that I can create things and that people might enjoy them.
The community, the connections and supports.
The feeling of worthiness, and the ebbing of isolation.
A couple helpful discord servers, places to talk about the sticky bits of life and be supported-
The Kindness Collective
https://discord.gg/qTypkFt
Prevent Suicide
https://discord.gg/r4cZM4p
All photos are my own.
Take Care ,
@amymya
Ah shit Im sorry you have to go thru this Amy. Its rough. Now the heavy lifting begins. I know its dumb to say but time heals all wounds. Its true. Give yourself a year and try not to be too hard on yourself. Your Steemit family is here for you! Sharing will cleanse this hurt from you!! 🌼
Thank you Michael! Your kindness means a lot. Im really hoping (and know inside) that time will help me heal. Day by day, getting through it, is all I can ask of myself ♡
I'm in the group that cares. Just saying. I definitely cannot relate or help in any way other than to show support. Wishing you the best!
Thank you dear Eon ♡♡♡
First, lovely pictures of flowers under the sun, they are comforting and light up the serious tone of the post. I am sad you are undergoing some turmoil in your life, this must be an anxious time, I am never nosy into couples issues because thatvis between you two and you know best
Whatever happening seeking happiness is always worth and sometimes impose difficult decisions. I can only wish for the best and send hugs.
I used livejournal too, best social network ever, it eas better than fb a hundred times
I'm glad you liked the flowers Priscilla ♡ thank you for your kind words and your mental hugs. I appreciate them!
I understand where you are coming from. Especially with kids and having created a family, that is what we think about the most.
I have thought of it myself, will things be better if I was without? Then I think of my kids and how it would be for them. It wouldn't just be me in the picture. Many ways to see it. I very much understand you. What is happening I think is for the greater good. And yes you are strong as, if you weren't, do you think you would be able to move on to the better parts of your life?
Looking at what's ahead, looking forward will help you with your healings. The past being the experience life has brought you through to now be even stronger than you have ever been. You got this.
I am glad that you shared this, I know when I share a few things it helps me heal or somewhat get closure on something. Letting it out in some form is healing, not keeping it bottled up and let it build day to day. Don't shake that bottle of pop and open it, open it before :) Much love Amy. This does you some good ^_^ xx
Thank you sweet foxy. Yeah, I guess my bottles are exploding, its a strange thing. But it is for the best. For the happiness of my kids and myself. And hopefully one day he can be happier too. I wasnt doing it any more more him.
Much love Foxy ♡♡
Happiness and wellness is number 1. Thank you for doing that for your kids and yourself :) <3 much love to you as well.
I'm sorry to hear about this Amy! I know this must have a been a pretty big decision. I didn't expect that it would go this way. You know that you can always holler me up if you need to talk to someone!
This is very brave of you to talk about this and I admire you for that.
Thank you lovely. <3
You can never pour from an empty glass. You can not be there for your children and help them in their lives if you are not happy and satisfied first. I see many people stay in a bad relationship because of kids. That is just wrong and it is a bigger and greater way of destroying a family then separating. You have my support. You need to be the best you that you can be, for your sake and for the sake of your children. I am proud of you and sending you lots of love. Everything will work out for the better, keep that smile on and be proud of your decision. There will come a time of doubting and even hurting but it will pass. Accept that everything is working out for the best and that Universe has your back 💚
Thank you for this heartfelt reply. So nice to have support. The doubting and hurting is definately washing over me, but the relief and the certainty flow as well and remind me this is right.
The ending of a relationship is always difficult. I've been through divorce, it's difficult, but sometimes it's necessary for your own sanity.
Yes. Gotta try to find my sanity again.♡
This must be so hard.
It would be hard for me. I know that people usually say "but it's what you should do!" "it's normal!" and try to justify that you're worrying too much. But the thing is, people are not in your brain. People forget how much it hurts after the fact and then see how everything is ok and tell you "you're overthinking things, it's going to be ok!", but meanwhile, the struggle will go on.
I wouldn't be happy if the life I worked for were being destroyed due to unforeseen revelations. And I think that if you thought it through and are sure that what you're doing is right, then you're on the right path by trying to find a way to drain these emotions.
I hope that you will be ok! What will be done about the farmy farmstuffs?
I will be fine. Better. And my kids will too.
Im rehoming my chickens so that I can move to my moms for the summer, and the gardens will hopefully be okay with irregular watering from him, if he chooses to. Greenhouse plants will be coming with me :)
You are so brave to do this. Leaving a toxic relationship is the hardest thing to do and it sounds like you have made the best decision for you and your children. I am glad to hear that you have made it out safe since it was an abusive relationship. I hope you find so much happiness now that you have that weight lifted up off your shoulders. The pictures you shared are beautiful too by the way!
Thank you! Yeah, we are safe, I have fears still but Im going with the flow and trusting that we'll be okay.
Thank you for your hopes. I'm hopefull too ♡
Awe, Amy 💖 i feel your anguish. Though from the perspective of being badly injured, and being asked to leave. It's been 9.5 months since i left. I am so happy the toxic relationship is over. Processing the separation while recovering has been no small feat. Especially because kids are involved. My teenage daughter is opting to stay with her dad to be with her animals. Missing her presence is heartbreaking. Building a new life is also traumatic. My ex kept most of our belongings. I wasn't allowed back in the house (and i was in no shape to fight it) he still has paintings and my childhood quilt mom & my late dad made for me. Leaving the garden i built. My dog has to also stay with them. Breaking up....all the embarrassment that comes from it, is not fun. Discovering a new normal is SO awkward. Eventhough there's all that.....being unhappy and in a toxic relationship that has no hope of reconciliation is mountains and mountains worse. I agree with Yidneth. The beautiful pictures of the sun shining on the flowers makes the post much more palpable. I hope you feel comforted in your sharing. I really appreciate connecting with you through these events. 🙏🦌🌱🌸
Thank you Jill. It must be so so hard to have to leave, thats a huge reason I'm hurting so much through this, causing this person I loved that pain of having to give it all up... I feel guilty for putting myself and my needs first. Its unlike me.
But yes, toxic relationship full of unhappiness all around that affects the kids is not part of a life I want to live. I hope I can stay strong and that this sticks, that I dont allow myself to get sucked back in...
Thank you for sharing your story with me too ♡♡
You will do what is best 💖 trust whatever that looks like. I fight with myself over not leaving sooner and subjecting he kids to such a toxic upbringing. It haunts me regularly but I know I always did my best through it all. I just wish I was braver and stronger earlier. So GOOD on you. For putting yourself first NOW sister 💖💜💖
Blessings & Love.