Celebrity Anonymous - Comedy Open Mic Round 34 Entry 1
A 7-times Tour de France winner once said "Winning is about heart, it's got to be in the right place" The man who said it? Lance Armstrong, he was full of shit and so is this post.
At the Passages Malibu addiction treatment center celebrities, politicians and famous people alike get their treatments in the fanciest way possible that only a honest hard working human (who has millions of dollars) deserves.
Here is one of the leaked transcriptions of the group sessions:
Dr. Andre Young: Good evening, everyone. In today's session we're going to come to grip with our insecurities, recognize them and work on them as it's often our inability to recognize and deal with them the reason we tend to escape into the pit of addiction and bad behavior. Anyone here would like to start, this is a safe space, no judgement.
Trump: I don't have any insecurities, my hands aren't small. My fingers are long and beautiful, as it, has been well documented, are various other parts of my body. That's all I have to say
Dr. Andre Young: Okay, that both fully answers my question as well as completely ignores the point of it at the same time. Anyone has something to add?
Stormy Daniels: Yeah, I actually have a question to Donald. Do you play Mario Kart? If so, who's your favorite character?
Trump: Horse-face
Stormy: Mushroom dick
Dr. Young: You both realize that you slept together before, right? Doesn't that kind of put you on equal footing?
Stormy: I'm not the same as this guy, he cheated on his wife Melania
Dr. Young: Yeah, with you!
Ivana Trump: He cheated on me with Milania
Dr. Young: True, what are you doing with your life these days?
Ivana Trump: I'm trying writing fiction.
Dr. Young: How's that going?
Ivana Trump: Oh, Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything
Dr. Young: Yeah, almost anything, creative quote from Ivana the creative who named her daughter Ivanka. Moving on. What about Mr. Franco? What would you say is your biggest insecurity?
James Franco: Sometimes rabbits, like, turn me on
Dr. Young: Well, that was pretty straight to the chase, we'll work on that on future sessions. Who's next?
Eminem: Hi, my name is Marshal Mathers, I'm an alcoholic.
Dr. Young: Hi Marshal
Eminem: I have a disease and they don't know what to call it
Dr. Young: Okay, get out. Clowning isn't allowed here.
Eminem: Watch your words or you're going to lose....
Dr. Young: Don’t.
Eminem: Yourself.
Dr. Young: I hate you.
Eminem: I love you lie.
Eminem walks out
Dr. Young: Okay, Mr. Cruise, you barely talk. Do you have anything you want to share with us?
Tom Cruise: I think my biggest insecurity is people making fun of me for my belief in Scientology.
Dr. Young: Okay, fair enough. Tell us about following Scientology.
Dr. Young: So all Scientologists drive an ambulance?
Tom Cruise: No, Scientology is about how Xenu came to earth with billions of his people 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed with hydrogen bombs.
Dr. Young: So hydrogen bombs existed 75 million years ago? That doesn't make any sense.
Kanye West: Makes perfect sense to me.
Dr. Young: Of course it does.
Kanye West: I get what he's going through. I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle
Dr. Young: Interesting.
Kanye West: I'm going to be the U.S president in 2022.
Dr. Young: The presidential elections are held on 2020 and 2024. And you think you can be in charge for a whole country? You just complained about being in charge of a water bottle.
Kanye West: Don't box me!
Kevin Spacey: I understand what Kanye is saying. People have been judging for over a year now for doing what I love to do.
Dr. Young: What have you been up to lately?
Kevin Spacey: I recently met someone actually.
Dr. Young: Nice, tell us more about that. Where'd you meet her?
Kevin Spacey: Him, and I was driving around high school...
Dr. Young: You know what? Don't tell me. What have you been doing career wise?
Kevin Spacey: I recently became a priest and joined the Catholic church.
That was the transcriptions' highlight I received from that session, according to my sources the following was basically Stormy Daniels stripping, promoting her Las Vegas clubs tour and her book "full disclosure" while bragging how she's a feminist icon. To get a close description just type her name in any porn site.
I nominate @traf / @trafalgar and @intelliguy to participate in @comedyopenmic weekly contest.
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Good ol horse face. Shes taken more shots to the face than every heavyweight boxing champ combined.
I want Avenatti to run just so a moderator asks him and Trump who slept with Stormy Daniels more.
I think the guy that has to be getting the worst of this would be stormy daniels husband.Could you imagine not even being able to turn on the tv or open your laptop without seeing a new guy that fucked your wife. It reminds me of that scene from boondock saints
" shut the fuck up randi, I can't go to the store to buy a pack of smokes without running into 5 guys you've fucked!!!!"
such deep investigations , i've been conducting a parallel investigation .. I actually goot some footage .. but i don't know if we have reached something.. I'll let you judge
Thanks for giving us the update on the group session. You got the big scoop. When these people get together in the same room you either have to laugh or cry.
After the session I heard they were singing:
"Like a bridge over Stormy Waters
I will lay me down"
I went with laughing.
I don't know if they sang or not. I dropped the transcription when a child showed up and was afraid of what would happen with Kevin Spacey there.
Hahaha, it's almost like you were there in the room.
Is there something you want to tell us?
I'm addicted to hating Adam Sandler.
Haha excellent journalism. I knew James Franco was into rabbits, just knew it.
As legitimate as the NYTimes.
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Ha! I betting there is no cure for those insecurities even in Malibu!😁
Apparently so, when I was researching a name I found a LOT of Malibu based rehab centers that I'm starting to think that maybe Malibu is the source of all addictions.
Hahaha You may be on to something!
hahaha my favorite line this time:
And the photos are perfect! From Trumps' stumpy fingers, the first ex-wife's crazy clown insane asylum makeup, Cruise's f'd up teeth, Spacey's "who me?" face hahaha Absolutely perfect!
Thanks for noticing, it took me some time to find the best possible pictures so it's good to know someone noticed them. Glad you found it funny. Thanks for the kind comment.
You're most welcome @amirtheawesome1 :) I'm still chuckling over Tom Cruise's choppers haha