How does one deal with/accept a loved one who displays self-destructive behaviors? [Dabbing with a Mage episode 181]
This week's @tribesteemup biweekly question was brought up by myself. This topic is quite close to my heart as I have been working to heal my own self-destructive tendencies for over half of my life. When our loved ones and those close to us display self-destructive behaviors we can often feel as though we need to step in and say or do something. There are things one can do and say, but there is a line that needs to be respected. Change comes from the self, but some times we do not know we are hurting ourselves or others. Join me in today's episode as I discuss my thoughts on this question and how it has affected my own life.
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Long time no chat alche! We need to get on some dabz some day.
Sup d00d? Let me know when you're in the area - definitely dab it out!
This really touched me. You are such a gentle soul and whilst you recognise you have made your own choices there are still things that have happened to you which does not seem fair. However you're intelligent self enquiry and self reflection and willingness to change will see you in good Stead.
When I first got together with my partner, we were both damaged buy things that it happen to us and our past choices. He was particularly struggling with alcohol and thank God he had finally left his drug use behind as he had spent a decade embroiled in a big party scene. When he drank he was not himself and in fact was quite frightening. We realised a lot of this was liver as it is related to anger. His body couldn't process the alcohol and he would become so unreasonable and cruel yeah it really was not him. However he was so willing to change and we were so in love that we helped pull each other through. Milk thistle was very useful here too.
If you have only been together for a year and love each other that much rest assured that things will reach a point of being easy and comfortable and much less work than it is now. Fuck it takes effort but if you are both willing to go there then you will both be fine despite your trauma. It sounds like you are meant to be there for a reason and despite the fact you were both suffering at least you have empathy for each other's experience.
That is so true about that accusatory language that we use during arguments which puts us both on the back foot. I hate it when my partner says you always do this. Sometimes I think he does it just to antagonize me lol .... it does shift alot when you change the language to say I feel. Then it is not all about them but about your relationship together and how the other might be behaving in a way that might hurt the other if that makes sense.
I love to listening to this heartfelt response and wish you strength courage and perseverance. And a Whole Lotta Love... haha.. my dictaphone capitalised that, so let's close with some Led Zepp.. can't go wrong!!!
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Thank you for your kind and empathetic response. I find it extremely helpful and promising to hear of your experience battling trauma and addiction with someone you feel extremely close and intimate with. The struggles are very difficult, but I do believe we have made much progress and hearing of your own success only strengthens what I believe to be true.
I learned about speaking about feelings through a brief encounter with nonviolent communication. It’s been really helpful for me to get my feelings out rather than have them brewing and avoided and context. It’s also been very interesting, because now when I hear people say accusatory statements I want to be empathetic and hear their feelings and the statements. However, that is Very difficult When in the midst of anxiety and triggers.
Again, thank you very much for your wonderful response.
Yes, it's possible for sure. My immediate thought was your age as well... we were both 30 when we met. I think its an age where you are more circumspect and less likely to buy into same patterns of past as they no longer serve you. And if you've learnt to be less accusatory and willing to look at any conflict through other prisms, then that will help. Oh.. and taking a breath! Giving space for whatever you are feeling, both of you. As well as the breath out ... never go to sleep on an argument, never leave the house on an argument!! Always realise that love is bigger than the other stuff and you have to CHOOSE that every.single.time.
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oh the IRONY of watching you smoke this bowl coughing up whilst talking about self destructive tendencies isnt lost on me!
such a personal and intimate video.. really amazing bro that you can open up and share with us like this..
god bless, you have such a LONG and beautiful life ahead of you.. i can see that!
Haha, well - one could argue that since I am using it medically that it isn't necessarily self destructive. And, imo, the coughing aspect of smoking cannabis is inducive to healing the cilia of the lungs as it helps break up debris and mucous in along the membranes of the lungs. :) But, hey - who am I to say what is and isn't destructive? ;)
Thank you for your kindness and your support. Being able to share these things in my life, I think, is a major part of finding the way to healing. Otherwise, I shun the emotions and experiences and label them as "bad" or "wrong."
<3 It'll be long, surely - let's hope I can really begin to find the beauty within it all though. The pain, emotional, physical, mental, can make it difficult to grasp that reality, and instead slip away into darkness. I'm doing my best to find that middle ground though.
A deep topic to be covering! never really dealt with partners addiction had my own though and it was very hard to overcome. But I have not taken drugs in over ten years well the odd dabble but can count those on my fingers.
Although had a friend who I have recently help through alcoholism. I was able to tell him in appropriate way I feel. We have been friends for years and he finally asked me for help, thankfully he is recovering well and rebuilding his life which is so amazing to see, in just a few months. Working in mental health I come across addictions every day and is very hard not to talk about my experience but feel I have a good approach 💯🐒
I’m glad to Hear that you were able to help your friend out when he came to you and need. It’s often difficult for people with addictions and or self-destructive behaviors to ask for help from the ones that we care for.
With your background and addiction help, perhaps maybe you should answer this question as well. It would be nice to see what you think about this question.
Also, great to see you!
@alchemage You have received a 100% upvote from @intro.bot because this post did not use any bidbots and you have not used bidbots in the last 30 days!
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Thank you for your courage and openness in sharing this part of your journey. It helps us all understand both ourselves and our loved ones better.
I'm grateful that in my family there hasn't been addiction to substances to deal with. Though I would say my family is seriously addicted to TV. That's a real addiction with real harm, but it is normalized in this society. There has definitely been a lot of trauma in the family's history, and that may be why there is the escapism in TV. Still, with or without addiction, self-destructive behavior touches every family, it seems.
I love the topic u came up with..
But the images u use here depicts some sort of connections with the New Age. Which isn't really too good!
Nice topic anyway!
I'm not sure what you are getting at. What images are you referring to? I am not a follower of the New Age movement.
But it relates with what you are talking about or what you practise.
New Age ideas are partial truths garnered from the past and woven into a new patchwork fabric. They might relate, but only because I study the esoteric knowledge of the ancients.
I’m still not certain of the images which you are referring to.
I went through most of your blog🤐
And now I'm scared!
Thank you for this my friend, for sharing your story with us for being so open,as you said an open book, it is so important for us to share, for so long so many people have suffered in silence, due to lack of understanding and ignorance, I have a huge amount of respect for you and I really am impressed by your awareness and by the obvious work you have been doing to heal yourself. Your words really touched me and made me quite emotional, all very good things, it is so refreshing to hear someone speak who is in touch with their emotions and aware of their behaviours. Indeed we are going through a very powerful time right now and you are on the right path.
I wish you and your partner all the best, you are both lucky to have one another and have a deep understanding of one another. When we hold a lot of passion inside for some one it does need to be expressed in ways that are productive and it sounds that you are both finding your way with that, but you know awareness is the first step and you so have that. You will find your groove together, love yourself first and it will flow from that.
Thank you for this @alchemage listening to you speak has given me some closure for the relationship I was in, in the past. There is always that sense of guilt, did I really do the right thing walking away, I know I did but still, breaking a promise and walking away from some one in pain is never easy.
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