Solitude

I think I messed up a little bit last weekend. Yes at the nudist resort. No, definitely nothing to get in major trouble for, just certain things that people do in a non-nudist environment are looked at slightly different in a nudist environment. If you go to a normal pool, you will have people that just go there for the day or a couple hours to swim and play around. They bring items (usually) that they know there is a chance of getting wet. Mostly the same at a nudist resort, except for the fact that people live on property, so items will be brought that are not necessarily supposed to get wet. Some ladies even have their hair done a certain way they they will freak out if it gets too wet, but they still want to relax and swim around (or wade) around in the pool or hot tub.

I usually bring some water toys to play with for the kids since my friends kids are not allowed to go and they moved away. However, the water tubes (kinda big water squirting apparatus) are actually loved by the adults there too. But you still have to keep in mind that there are still some people around there that just want to relax and not get wet. I didn't really care too much about getting wet because I was just there to have fun anyway. I was walking around a little bit out of the pool and someone I have talked to here and there squirted me with the tube to get back at me for something that happened earlier. Which I don't even remember because it was no big deal. Well, of course, I was thinking now she wants to play and maybe get dropped in the water, so that is what happened. That was fine except for one thing. She had a cowgirl hat on that was not supposed to get wet. It was one of the straw looking hats not the felt ones, but it still wasn't supposed to get wet.

So, she wasn't too happy about that after she got out of the water. A little while later when I was walking around I was told by one of the office ladies that I could get a complaint against me and then be put on probation for dropping her in the water. It wasn't so much the dropping her in the water, it was the item she was wearing. I guess there were a few things I didn't actually think about, because this is when I learned about needing to play close attention to people and the items people are wearing and whether or not they are water resistant/proof or not. Basically I could have gotten a complaint against me and had to buy the item to replace what got ruined. At that time I was actually more worried about the item getting ruined and would have done what I could to get it replaced. I have since returned and talked to her, and the hat is fine. But I still feel that I messed up a bit because I did not stop and think about something like that.

What does that have to do with my Solitude title? That will be explained by the end of the writing.

I think there was something I messed up with last weekend, but I can't remember what it is right now. If I think of it by the end I will add it here and you will never know this message existed. But my brains sucks since I took so long to write this because I wanted to get this done last Sunday night...

By the interactions people have with me, I feel that I have not truly found anywhere that I truly belong. No matter the circumstance or condition. Even at the nudist resort. I feel that I am accepted, but not necessarily truly wanted. I actually don't care talking to everyone there, because I will probably forget most of it anyway. Don't get me wrong, I have had no issues with anyone there. Those nudists are nicer than pretty much everyone I have ever met in my life, because they don't judge like people do that wear clothes a default to a certain status depending on how much their clothes and jewelry cost. I still feel like an outcast everywhere I go. I try to do some things to fit in with different groups, but in the end I rationalize it in my mind and I can step back to look at the whole picture. I feel I could be in a large room densely crowded with people and be the center of attention, while still feeling like I didn't exist in this room full of people. They would be focused on me to a certain point of walking by, then it would just be like I was never there and never will be again because I am insignificant.

It's hard for me to talk to girls I like because I don't like being rejected. And that happens a lot, so I try not to talk to them too much. There is someone I have met recently that I do like and would like to get to know more, but I really doubt she has any interest in me. And she is even a nudist. But in my state of mind right now, I really don't have anything to offer. I guess it really doesn't help that she has seen me naked either, because I am out of shape, have a belly coming out, and all that looks even worse with my ugly ass face.

Some people may think that I shouldn't put myself down, but fuck them. If I wasn't so ugly (or whatever the hell it is that puts ladies off from talking to me) then I would be able to talk to ladies easier. Even if I am not looking to date. Just try to get someone new to hang out with, and I get all kinds of excuses. Being alone really sucks. I hate thinking that no matter what I do in my life, I will have to do alone. No kids or anyone else of my own to share my life with.

I have thought about talking to this lady at the nudist resort, but I don't know where to start or what to say and even be able to keep her interest for more than a minute or two. She has only been there a couple weeks, but obviously has no problem with nudism. While I was there last weekend, I was up in the club house trying to get some work done (which didn't work out too well, because I just couldn't think) and someone was playing music loud from the speakers up there. They just had a barbecue thing going on, which was the reason for the music. It had pretty much died down, but they forgot about the music. I was at a table near the one with the speaker and sound system on it. She came up the stairs and asked if I knew how to turn it down because it was a bit loud. I said that I didn't know because I had never messed with the system. She walked over to the system and found the master volume and turned it down.

I don't remember what exactly what was said after that, but we somehow started talking a little bit about college classes. She mentioned that she was going to go back and finish at some point, but it wasn't the time. I talked to her about me also taking some college classes. At this point she seemed mildly interested. I had my papers out on the table from work that I was trying to work with and let her know a little about what I was doing now. I explained a little bit of it, but it didn't keep her interest for long. She just wanted to get back down to the hot tub, which is understandable. If I was better at talking then I would have been able to keep her interest for longer.

I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend though. Or some other excuse, real or imagined. I guess I don't mind writing about it right now, because I'm really not sure if anyone at the resort has even read any of my posts, although I left a card there with my info on it to try and get the videos started up. She has a short name, unique and pretty. Just like her. She has short hair and probably not interested in losers anyway. So, I have no chance.

I did stay the night last Saturday which was the weekend after the 4th of July. Most of the day I did feel alone even with people all around there. I was being lazy and not working out like I wanted to and I had decided to stay the night and sleep in the clubhouse. I tried to get some swimming in around 11 at night. Felt a bit shitty not doing any kind of workout earlier. I swam about 9 laps before I decided I was breathing too much to go on. I rested a little bit and then got out. Decided to jog down to the gate and back up. It was a nice night. Slightly cold, but I knew it didn't matter because I was going to warm up from the run. It only took me about 13 minutes to get from the top of the hill near the pool to the bottom where the gate is and back up. Which I guess isn't too bad. And I did it 3 times. Of course I was still feeling abandoned and lonely, so when I was swimming after the run I was thinking how easy it would be to tire myself out from swimming, then go to the deep end and take a deep breathe swim to the bottom of the pool to let all my air out and breathe in real hard. I was thinking how easy it would be to get away with it seeing as nobody was even around to save me. It might not be the best way to go, but it should be pretty quick. And since there would be no one around to stop it because it would still be at least 6 or 8 hours until someone wandered up to the pool, then I would be good to go. With my luck though, someone would wind up walking up there for a midnight dip and find me in time to save me. If that would have all happened that night then I would have just said I got tired from trying to push myself farther to swim and ran out of breathe and energy. I would then have been off the hook from trying to kill myself and going to the loonie bin. So, I have thought about getting rid of myself a lot. Failed miserably a few times. Next time I try it needs to be a more permanent solution and harder to back out of like the drowning thing. But I guess I'm still here for something.

It would just be nice to meet someone that sees something in me that I don't. Someone that no one else has seen and just likes being around me. Although if this girl from the resort ever knows I like her, I'm still not sure what I would have to offer her. I haven't had a girlfriend for way too long, I'm not sure if I know how to have a relationship. I would try while also being afraid of screwing it up the whole time. When I am with someone then I do what I can to try and treat them good. My last girlfriend didn't quite realize that I was trying to go a little out of my way with some things just so I could spend time with her. I am Atheist so I don't care about religion, or most things associated with it, but I did go to church with her and her family just so I could spend time with her. Then it was her father and grandparents on her mom's side that convinced her we shouldn't be together because we didn't believe in the same things. And that when either of us die, only one of us would go to heaven. Apparently it isn't enough to just like someone and accept them for who they are. That is one reason why I hate religious fucktards. They talk about accepting people, but they are only accepted if you believe all their bullshit. And one of the other fucked up things about it is that her dad had been divorced for quite a while. After I moved away to Texas I found out that her majorly hypocritical fucks of grandparents actually got divorced too. And they had the audacity about speaking of being with someone for the rest of their life and going to heaven with them after you die. Kinda sounds like they fucked up on that part.

Anyway. I did actually mean to type this last Sunday night when I got back from the resort. Or even maybe Monday. I have just been lazy. A few things have changed since then, but we will see how alone I feel when I head out the the resort today. There is a body painting event going on, so that should be interesting.

And this last Tuesday there was a cute girl at Subway, that I really didn't know how to talk to. Going to try and go in again this Tuesday and see if I will be able to say anything to her. If she will even be there, because she wasn't on Thursday when I thought I might be able to catch her again.

I did go ice skating last night and met someone that I am really going to try and do some workout videos for so that the next time she comes to town I would like to see some improvement in her skating. I actually went up to talk to her mom to see if she needed help, but she said she was trying to help her daughter get off the wall. So, I did what I could for some instruction for her. The videos I will be doing will be posted on Youtube, or some other non-nudist site for a little while. After a certain amount of time then I will reference my nudist videos. There are actually a few websites I am looking into for uploading all the videos and then I can still do Steemit for my posts. So, maybe look out later this week for some Youtube videos of me in my spandex. Just have to find them. They will actually be tailored to helping 1 particular person to ice skate better, but they should also be good for anyone else.

Someday I should have a pic up of me doing a front lever.

And @orthodoxnudism, I think I will challenge you in my next videos to work out with me during the week since you are the only one so far to actually comment anything about trying my workout. So, I am going to work on getting a daily routine that is a little easier, but works on more of the support muscles of the body. Get ready for those.

Anyway, need to get to the nudist place so I can be free like I should be allowed to be. Have a good day everyone.

Workout motivation pic. I need her to do workouts with me!