one's sincerity.

In the corner of the now empty office, I sobbed my knees and buried my face in there until all the water that was flowing slowly spilled over the skirt that covered my knees. My cries were stifled almost unheard, but somehow Maryam approached me, because even the ants beside me did not hear my crying. Maryam hugged me tightly and now she is crying in a voice that sounds loud and thrilling to my heart.
"I'm sorry." He said, that's all there is no long explanation or a long-winded plea.

I did not understand how to reveal the beginning of the incident that made me feel this pain, and whether it was possible that I should do and blame a friend who might have never thought of doing this because he knew how I felt.
Companions who willingly lead a life together penetrate the likes of grieving together, past the night without light and exploring a fascinating afternoon until the tears are the same and laughter is not the same, and one that I always know that Maryam is a figure of people who never want to hurt others always sowing good even willing to mortgage her happiness, and now for the first time indirectly she hurt me with the worst pain.

I'm still trying hard to remember everything, yes it all started from a small peerasaan who became big because feel love not only mine but hers too.

"Ustadzah Nadia." Call Ustadz Hamzah.
I turned and glanced at Ustadz Hamzah who stood a few yards ahead of me, with a smile on his face.
"Called Umi" he continued.
I just nodded and hurried to meet Umi Ainun.

Got there nothing special from the meeting, but gradually Ustadz young new graduation tahfidz Qur'an is bewitching me through the education of the Qur'an is vast, through the sound of his first call to prayer and always me later until this moment.

This one Ustadz again bewitched me through a sincere love when he taught the little boys who mesantren same with me today, the difference is that I am willing to dedicate myself to serve the pesantren that has flow knowledge to me, until someday there will be someone who asked me to accompanied by Kyai Anwar Founder of Pondok Pesantren whom I have considered my own father because of genuine affection for his santri, and I feel even more special because his wife Umi Ainun always takes me wherever he goes, and from him I got more attention, so I gladly regarded him as my own mother. Especially Ustadz Hamzah who made me for the first time has a feeling called love is his son to the 3rd.

Behind it all I look in the mirror is I an ordinary santri who devotes his life to pesantren love a son of Kyaiku own, which even the science and status is much higher than me. That feeling was always present when I was enjoying the sound of his adzan with another feeling that I had.
Until someday there was a certainty in my long dilemma when several times I found Ustadz Hamzah pay attention to me while I was teaching or even once I found him smiling at me that I had never before found.
There was a red hue from his white face when I unconsciously returned his smile that he probably did not mean to smile directly at me.

Happy? Sure, you know what happy? Unpredicted. But can it convince me that he also has the same feelings as me? The question becomes a big enough point in a white uniform that is quite disturbing to look at.

And that feeling is ultimately just happy without thinking of another reason, until he explicitly asks personal questions directly to me without being awkward.
"Ustadzah Nadia already have a candidate to marry?" He asked one time as I walked in tandem, I walked with a few footsteps behind him, then we would both go to class to teach. The speech he made made me completely transfixed until I stopped walking for a moment and looked at him from behind, but I stopped the trick and tried to walk right behind him after I speeded up my pace.
"Not Ustadz, I leave it all to Allah and that someone is already on the blessing of Umi and Kyai." I honestly answer, not that I do not believe in my parents but their limitations about Islam make me more sure if Umi and Kyai directly agree.
And as Ustadz Hamzah had said nothing, he just breathed deeply and nodded. I do not understand the intent of his way of responding to my answer whether a relief, but for what, is he?

At noon on my desk I found a gift that I assumed was rice.
"I'm sorry. Whose gift is it?" I asked the other teachers who were both resting. No one answers the reason as simple as so many people usually because they do not feel that what they are asked has nothing to do with them so they choose to be quiet.

Curious to make me long staring at the parcel that I now hold, but actually what makes me able to sensibly open it is hunger. Honestly this morning I did not have time to breakfast, but if indeed the owner objected I promised to replace it.
I open the parcel covered neatly by rice paper was the content of fried rice and that makes me wonder after the rice meneyebar popped a piece of paper located in the middle of rice.

"Love is just God who knows will be anchored on whom, but everything is the best, and with this I kamelakkan kesemogaan upon you."

I folded back the paper that made my heart rumble and put it into my pocket, I see one by one the teachers who are in the office, the average Ustadz who teaches already have a wife except Ustadz Abdullah and Ustadz Husen, there is impulse that whispered impossible them, obviously they were silent when I asked. Or even one of them intentionally silent to keep secret what they have done?

And the strongest allegation is this from Ustadz Abdullah he had openly expressed his feelings to me, but I can what reply? It was obviously impossible until now I have not even answered her feelings, a smile I think is better than a utterance that might only hurt her.

"Nad." Maryam's voice startled me. I was taken aback from the daydreams that led to the wrong memory.
"Maryam does it."
"Ngelamunin Ustadz Hamzah yes, let's say." Maryam teased me, she knows my recent feelings to Ustadz Hamzah because Maryam has always been a place to pour out my heart, no matter how small she is about me she knows.
"Look at ya Yam, I find this in a rice parcel, it's so weird that there's someone who put paper in the middle of rice." I handed him a piece of paper that I had met.
"Ah from Ustadz Hamzah times." Maryam tried to guess in a still tantalizing tone.
I just shrugged, so far I do not imagine that someone who deliberately put a rice parcel along with a piece of paper that Ustadz Hamzah.
"I think this deh Nad Ustadz Hamzah sure, because he said he wanted to be mated as students in our pesantren, nah santriwati who is ready for marriage who else if not you, especially you are his golden child Umi Ainun." Maryam so enthusiastically reveal the possibility. He seemed to find a bright spot from the curiosity of someone who would be punctuated for Ustadz Hamzah.
"Do you know where Ustadz Hamzah wants to be mated?"
"I heard myself when Kyai's family gathered about matchmaking." Maryam emphasized the matchmaking.
"Come on, let's go home." I yanked Maryam's hand out of the office room by chance after the break of my schedule was empty.

And that morning how could Maryam's narrative and all the dreams of my feelings seem so real.
"Ustadzah Nadia, how has it been read?" A remark that sounded in the ears like the quietness of the night as Mom sang Nina bobo, unable to express how she felt and almost did not believe my own listening.
"Ustadz." I can not help it.
"Forgive me if it disturbs you." Ustadz Hamzah coolly returned to me with a thousand infinite happiness.
Maryam. This one woman is able to make me believe the one thing that I obviously do not believe it, makes me more confident that the mate will come to me with so many fairness in it. And now all my feelings became natural when my race received.

"Ustadzah Maryam Ustadzah Nadia called Umi." Suddenly one of the new santri approached me who was sitting together with Maryam.
"Oh yes thank ya de." I replied.
"See what I say." Maryam slammed my arm.
I just shook my head without responding with a word, Maryam suddenly stopped his steps there was a shocked expression that he showed
"Umi same Abi here, why ya?" Asked Maryam amazed when he saw the car parked in front of Umi Ainun's yard.
"Oh yes it's Umi you, I can be acquaintance dong, as long as it's your parents never come for your jeng ke Pesantren." There is a happy time when my friends' parents now I can meet.
"Well that's what he's trying to do, nor do you usually come here." Maryam clearly seems strange to describe a happy person who usually feels.
"You'll find out later, ah."

"Maryam, Nadia entered the boy." Umi Ainun said when he saw me and Mary standing at the door.
After greeting Maryam instantly shake hands both parents, now I know from her appearance was Maryam's parents can be said is a religious educated maybe Ustadz or even a Kyai.
I sat in a place that is welcome Umi Ainun, apparently this is an important event seen from all family members present at the time.

"So gini Maryam, Umi ali Abi came here to tell you about your marriage, which Insha Allah will soon we directly remember our pesantren lack of trained teachers let alone the problem of the Qur'an nah to solve the problem Umi has talked with Umi Ainun willing marry you off with Ustadz Hamzah. "The thunderclap thundered through my hearing seemed like a stabbing pierce of thorns when the name that became the main key to my dreams and feelings was mentioned. But the deal became clear when I now know that actually Maryam's parents are the founder of a pesantren as well. Should the happy that I just got up to collapse instantly also.
"Umi." Maryam's voice choked on her trying to shake her head even a few times.
Ustadz Hamzah who had been batting his head now raised him with his eyes wide open in disbelief.
"I believe Maryam and Hamzah are a suitable couple and it has been through the istikhoroh that I and Umi Ainun did, I can not possibly oppose God's answer and therefore my condition in the end I must Rido Hamzah be taken to Kyai Ahmad pesantren to serve there, as Maryam who has devoted himself to serve in this pesantren. "Kyai Anwar explain the purpose of this marriage to both. And at that moment I wanted to shout to one of them to refuse this match, but until some time from the audience there was silence, no one spoke what else to deny to their parents.

"Nadia can you prepare our Islamic steppes for the wedding ceremony later?" Umi Ainun asked me who was resuscitated from the disappointment and pain that was still stuck.
I nod my head powerless I replied though only limited 'naam'.
"Maryam, the bride and groom will not be able to meet until the time comes for that reason other than to deliver your marriage news Umi is here to pick you up." Umam Maryam explained again.

The opposing candidates are now talking about every detail of the wedding they will be holding in the near future, they sometimes smile in agreement or comment on each other and it all makes me want to explode.

Finally I ventured to say goodbye when there was no interest, and as I had expected I was the only one who acted as an ant who was feeling teraniyaya and gladly welcome to leave.

And here I am now bemoaning the most painful moments of my life considering everything I've experienced in such a short period of time, that it even feels so short as a pause between takbir and iftitah.
Maryam still hugged me the tears never stopped. God! This is painful, I can no longer endure pain but I also can not let my own friends bear the burden and a deep sense of guilt against me.

Now I wiped Maryam's knee to calm her down, she let go of her embrace and looked at me so deeply I could not bear to be looked at with such a request.
I lowered my head deep.

"Marry me promise I'll give you the most special appearance for your wedding."
"I'm sorry." The sentence was just that phrase he had been repeating all along.
I tried to convince my own heart, with what I would say
"I still have faith and hold the pillars of Faith in my heart and all the joints of my life, you do not need to apologize this is the fate of God the fairest and whatever it hurts whatever I still have to believe it. Believe me Ikhlas "Actually I do not believe in my own words even this heart is still not able to lie actually Ikhlas I utter not completely perfect when the heart even screaming revile reality.
Maryam hugged me again with the same tears.
"Marry, at least I know what kind of woman will be the wife of someone I love."