Reaching and Connecting with People... at a SOUL Level

Connection.

Whether we openly admitted or not, I think connection is something we all desire. We may be introverts or we may be extroverts but for the most part human beings are happiest and at their best when they feel connected to others.

For those of us who tend to be solitary by nature, maybe all we need is to be connected to one other person. Someone who sees us, and inspires us to be the most ourselves we can be.

But what does this "connection" really mean? And why do we feel so disconnected these days?

I look around at the world around me and consider this thing that many demographic experts have called "the loneliness epidemic."

I get it, I really do.

I've made my own share of silly mistakes when it comes to connection. And whereas I am not inclined to lay a bag of goods at my late parents' feet, I do feel compelled to observe that they didn't exactly send me out into the world with a very good model to work with.

My parents were married in the "old fashioned" way. Their marriage was really more of a sensible business arrangement and it was a love match. My mother left her native Denmark and went to New York — as much as anything — to "marry well."

In the strictest and most brutal sense of the interpretation, my mother was a gold digging social climber, and my father was a power businessman in search of an "arm ornament" to support his self-image. In that ironic way of life, they each got exactly what they were looking for.

And it definitely didn't make them happy... but that story is much too long to tell here. Suffice it to say they were not happy. They tolerated each other well enough but does "tolerating" somebody constitute a true connection? Eventually they divorced, around the time I celebrated my 10th birthday.

My father went on to find happiness, some three years later with the widowed mother of one of my schoolmates. Although you could regard the fact that she was almost 20 years younger than him with a certain degree of skepticism, it was actually an authentic love match. They saw the world through very similar eyes, and she had her own money and didn't really need him for anything, so a lot of the awkward dependencies that often shape relationships were not present; they were able to just be people, together.

Sadly, my dad passed away just five years later, but at least he got to experience a happy connection.

But I digress.

So, what does it mean to connect with somebody at a soul level?

We look at the rather alarming divorce rates, then the frequent breakups of people who are not even married, and much of the time I observe — and can't help but think — that there might have been a connection at some point but that was the wrong kind of connection. As I saw with my parents (and with a number of friends over the years), practical and sensible connections don't really make for a lot of happiness.

In 2025, it seems like connecting has become more and more difficult, perhaps harder than it has ever been. We have all these dating/matchmaking sites, and all these "tools," and all this psychology for singles, and yet people are more alone than ever. The fact that we might have become "expects" on relationship dynamics doesn't seem to help us have better ones!

Many (including myself) would argue that we set the bar too high, that our standards are too high, that we're too picky. Or — more accurately — that we are picky about he wrong things, and not picky enough about the things that matter more.

The other day I came across an interesting and slightly alarming statistic asserting that 90% of single women are basically trying to date the top 1% of single men, and unless you are among the top 10% of men (as far as relationship prospects go) you can likely look forward to a life alone, perhaps with a dozen cats.

What I learned from my first two long term relationships — one 13 years long, another 11 years long — was said one of the mistakes we often make is assigning too much importance to things that actually aren't important, and not enough importance to things we think are just frivolous nonsense.

Much of the time we just scratch the surface on the things we think are important.

She has to love music! He has to love cooking! She has to love having fun! He has to be spontaneous!

That's nice, but what kind of music? And how loudly does it have to be played? Do you listen to the music streaming out through the house, or only listen to it with headphones on? If it's the latter, do you realize that you're shutting out the world from being able to share with you? And what kind of food? And what does "fun" actually mean? Spontaneous in all ways, or just in some ways? Do you even know which ways they are, or are you just parroting an advice column?

Connection is made up of hundreds — if not thousands — of data points, but we tend to wallow around in the shallows finding great joy and relating to another without ever scratching below the surface.

"We both love sandwiches! Let's get married!"

Some of this is life itself. We don't have time — well, we don't consider ourselves to have time — to look at the depth of things.

Must like to have fun! What the hell is fun?
Must be a nice person! Sure, but what does nice look like to you?
Must have her act together! Certainly, but what kind of act is that?
Must be financially independent! Very nice, what does that mean? Having a 10 year old car that runs and is paid for, or being able to buy a new Mercedes every month and taking yearly exotic trips to Bora Bora?

Are these questions even relevant?

What is it that actually makes you feel connected?

There's a very old piece of wisdom that "we have to love ourselves before we're capable of truly loving someone else." My corollary to that is that we must truly know ourselves, and what makes us tick, and what makes us happy before we can attempt to make a list of what makes us happy in connecting with another person.

If we don't, chances are we'll just repeat the cycle.

If you sincerely want that happiness of connection — and to connect with somebody at the soul level — you must first be able to connect with yourself at the soul level, and to be happy with who you are.

The ironic thing is that truly knowing yourself — and being highly self aware, and liking your own company — is often an excellent self-sorting mechanism.

If you make somebody feel confused — intrigued, perhaps but confused — and a little uncomfortable because they can't just figure you out... they're already telling you something about themselves that should make you approach with caution.

To round out this story — which has already gotten far too long — the cherry on top of the pie is that mysterious "X factor" that's impossible to characterize in writing. If you can find that, on top of a soul connection? Then you're headed for something amazing!

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great Friday!

How about you? Have you ever felt totally connected to another person? To the point where it felt effortless and natura, most of the time... and misunderstandings were quickly solved in a non-dramatic way? Do you believe such a thing even exists? Would a person be delusional to look for it, and accept nothing less? Leave a comment if you feel so inclined — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

(All text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is ORIGINAL CONTENT, created expressly for this platform — Not posted elsewhere!)

Created at 2025.05.15 23:22 PDT
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